Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
