Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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