Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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