A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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