I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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