saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
