phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
