i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
