woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
