He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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