when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
