people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
