we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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