2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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