Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
