Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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