Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
