Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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