note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
