Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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