how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
