I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
