Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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