I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
