Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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