Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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