I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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