Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
