I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
