I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
