he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
