I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
