my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
