i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
