smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
