sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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