you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
