...so i touched it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
