i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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