We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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