i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
