i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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