i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
