Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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