dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
