DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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