I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Randomize
