Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
