Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
