she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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