what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
